Bernard's Great Escape
by Raggedpelt
Summary: Takes place at the end of the movie, when Bernard wakes up after his little run-in with the Forget-Me-Stick. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Throbbing pain.

Bernard sat up with a groan, trying to blink away the darkness. Motion turned the dull ache in his head to a sharp pain, but once he quit moving it ebbed away again. What had happened? He brought a hand to his forehead, feeling the painful bulge of a developing bruise. What had hit him?

He felt around on the floor tentatively for his glasses, and found them resting nearby. Putting them on revealed that one of the lenses had been cracked somehow, but that hardly mattered. He could see well enough for the time being.

Bernard picked himself up off the floor and looked around, frowning. He was in a cage of some sort in a darkened… warehouse? It was hard to tell. What had happened? The last he could recall, he was back at the museum dealing with some idiot in a cheap costume.

A Brainbot flew past the cage, causing him to double-take. _Brainbots? _Then that must mean he was- Oh, no. He had to get out of here. No telling what despicable things Megamind might do. As the city's leading authority on the villain, Bernard knew better than anyone what sort of ghastly devices the alien might have at his disposal.

"H-hey!" he said, causing the device to turn and look at him with its glowing red eye. From what he understood, they were obedient but not particularly intelligent. He pointed over to a nearby worktable, "Hey, can you hand me that wrench?"

* * *

**IDENTIFICATION**: BRAINBOT #34.

**CURRENT STATUS**: PATROL MODE. WEST SIDE OF LAIR.

**STIMULUS DETECTED**: SOUND AND MOTION.

**IDENTIFYING SOURCE**: DADDY-SECONDARY APPEARANCE CODENAME "BERNARD".

**IF SOURCE IS ATTACKED**: DADDY WILL BE ANGRY, RESULTING IN "TIME OUT" IN STORAGE. TIME OUT HAS BEEN VERIFIED AS NOT FUN. DO NOT ATTACK.

**OBTAINING DIRECTIVE**: RETRIEVE THE WRENCH. ANALYZED MEANING-DADDY WANTS TO PLAY FETCH. FETCH IS AT OPTIMAL ENJOYMENT LEVEL WHEN COMPETITION IS PRESENT.

**NEW STATUS**: RETRIEVING WRENCH AND SIGNALING NEARBY BRAINBOTS FOR GAME.

* * *

Bernard sighed in relief as the robot flew over and gave him the wrench. The cell he was in was of fairly simple design, all bolted together. Time had caused some of the bolts to rust, but with a bit of effort he was able to detach the door. He stepped out of the cell, dusting himself off, and turned around, only to discover about a half dozen Brainbots staring at him expectantly.

Bernard, being the intelligent, informed individual he was, did what any self-respecting citizen of Metro City would do under such circumstances. He screamed like a little girl and ran.

* * *

**IDENTIFICATION**: BRAINBOT #76

**CURRENT STATUS**: PLAYING GAME WITH DADDY.

**STIMULUS DETECTED**: SOUND AND MOTION.

**IDENTIFYING SOURCE**: DADDY-SECONDARY APPEARANCE CODENAME "BERNARD".

**FURTHER ANALYSIS**: DADDY IS RUNNING AWAY.

**OBTAINING DIRECTIVE**: GIVEN "GAME" CONTEXT, 79% CHANCE THAT FLEEING IS A SIGNAL TO CHASE.

**NEW STATUS**: CHASING DADDY IN GAME. ENJOYMENT FACTOR 97%

* * *

Bernard ran as hard and fast as he could, hearing the "BOWG BOWG" of the clearly enraged Brainbots hot on his trail. He could only imagine what they would do to him if caught. However, his lifestyle was not a particularly active one, and already the young curator could feel himself starting to wear down. He was winded and it felt as if his heart were in his throat.

He was sure they were going to catch him when all of the sudden he saw his salvation ahead in the form of a glowing "EXIT" sign. In that moment, it was the most beautiful thing he had seen in his entire life.

Bernard threw open the door and stepped through, only to have his foot come down on empty air. With a frightened yelp he fell, landing hard on tile floor. A searing pain shot up his leg, and the jarring sensation made his head ache all over.

He gave a small whine and picked himself up, only to find himself nose to nose with the biggest alligator he'd ever seen.

* * *

**IDENTIFICATION**: BRAINBOT #64

**CURRENT STATUS**: ASSIST #34, #69, #76, AND #104 IN SAVING DADDY FROM ALLIGATORS

**STIMULUS DETECTED**: DADDY IS HEAVY. DROP AS SOON AS CONVENIENT.

**FURTHER ANALYSIS**: NO LONGER OVER ALLIGATORS.

**NEW STATUS**: DROPPING DADDY. AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

* * *

Bernard felt all the wind knocked out of him as he hit the ground, _hard. _Reeling, he started to pick himself up, only to be hit in the head by a dropped wrench. He swore under his breath, glaring up at his red-eyed assailants, who were all "BOWG"-ing at him and bobbing up and down like a bunch of excited puppies.

With a trembling hand, Bernard reached over and grabbed the wrench, watching as all their eyes followed his hand. He waved it back and forth in front of the Brainbots, watching as their eyes never left it. Perfect. He got shakily to his feet, wincing as a white-hot lance of pain shot through his left leg. Great, just great.

Still, he had to concentrate at the task at hand. Maybe he could get them to fly into the wall hard enough to break. With all his strength, Bernard threw the wrench at the far wall, then watched in disbelief as it disappeared _through_ it. The Brainbots flew after it frantically, disappearing through the wall, then making a quick re-appearance, jostling each other as they each tried to be the one to carry the wrench. But in that moment they re-appeared, just for a split second, Bernard could see what lay on the other side of that wall. _Freedom._ The outside.

Taking slow, determined steps, and doing the best to ignore the pain in his leg, Bernard started to make his way to the exit. Time and again, the Brainbots flew at him, and time and again he distracted them with the wrench. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out into the sunshine.


	2. Chapter 2

Roxanne walked along the empty road, towards the abandoned power station she knew held Megamind's secret lair. She had parked the van a few blocks away so as not to reveal the location. It was one of those glorious sunny days, the kind that made you feel as if nothing could go wrong. The brightness of the sky stood in sharp contrast to the wrecked cityscape, still freshly scarred by Titan's rampage.

She hadn't spoken with Megamind in the few days since Titan's defeat, but it felt right now. He deserved an apology; she had been angry, but in hindsight what she'd said to him that night in the rain had been much crueler than she'd had any right to be. The wounded look he'd given her just wouldn't leave her mind.

The sound of footsteps startled her out of her thoughts. Roxanne looked up to see Megamind running towards her in his Bernard disguise, a terrified look on his face. He was disheveled and limping a bit, but still obviously trying to move as fast as he could away from his lair. …The fact that his jacket was missing struck her as odd, but she couldn't put her finger on why. No matter, more important things were going on.

"What's wrong?" she stammered when he got to her, "A-are you alright?"

"No I am _not_ okay!" he barked, showing no intention of slowing down.

"Come on, the car is back this way," she said, gently getting a hold of his arm to steer him, "What happened? Are you hurt?"

"Those brainbots tried to _eat _me!"

She opened the van's door and helped him into the passenger seat, then started to drive off, "The Brainbots attacked you? What set them off?"

"They tried to _eat _me!"

"Okay! Okay! Calm down! Come on, let's just get you somewhere safe, okay?"

The drove in silence, and by the time she got them back to her building, he seemed to have calmed down considerably. When they stepped out of the car and she started to lead him into the lobby, though, he gave her a confused look. "It's okay," she reassured, "come on." His hesitance to come back to her apartment was adorable, she had to admit; not at all like Hal, who had been stepping over boundaries since they first met.

Roxanne took him upstairs, had him sit down at her table, then fetched him a glass of water. After all, he only seemed frightened, not hurt. Which was understandable; having your own technology turn on you had to be disconcerting. "Hey, it could've been worse," she said, attempting a joke, "It could have been Titan."

"…Who?"

She blinked at him, "Titan. The super-powered nerd who just trashed half the city?"

Still nothing. He gazed at her with a blank, mildly confused look in his brown eyes. Wait, brown eyes? Her gaze flicked down to his wrist, noticing the conspicuous absence of a holowatch. Oh no.

"Oh my god, you're actually Bernard," she said, burying her face in her palm.

Bernard just looked at her like she was a complete and total moron, "Of course I'm actually me. Who else would I be?"

"It's a long story. Megamind had you dehydrated, didn't he?"

"I… I suppose that actually _was _Megamind." he paused for a beat, "It was still a pretty tasteless costume."

"He ended up using a holowatch to disguise himself as you for a few weeks."

Bernard raised an eyebrow, "I highly doubt that."

Roxanne couldn't help but be a bit annoyed with him, "What, you doubt he'd go incognito?"

"Well, as we all know Megamind is super-intelligent," he said, rolling his eyes, "And there are much more useful persons to impersonate. For instance, the mayor or the Chief of Police."

"We're talking about _Megamind _here, not the Joker. …Besides, he did a heel face turn while you were, uh, 'away'."

The curator looked a bit shocked at that, maybe even a little disappointed, "What, why?"

"A super powered villain showed up and trashed the town, and Megamind rose to the occasion and stopped him. They're talking about naming him the new protector of Metroci- Metro City."

Bernard's stomach growled, and Roxanne got up to fetch him something out of the pantry. Who knows when the last time he ate was? "Anyway," she continued, "From what I heard, they're going to convert all of his life sentences to community service, which he has to serve by protecting the city. For the next couple thousand years, I guess." She found what she was looking for, and tossed him a granola bar.

Bernard looked at the offering, then back at her, "That's it?"

"Well, what do you want?" she felt the annoyance creeping back into her voice again.

"I've been a tiny dehydrated cube for months, apparently."

"Yes, well I-" the phone rang, and she shook her head. "Sorry. One moment." Bernard listened with interest to half the conversation, "Hello? …This is she. …Calling from _where?_ ….No, I'm not interested. …I don't _care, _I don't want to talk to him. Let him throw his tantrum." She hung up.

He gave her a questioning look, which she answered with a cryptic "My camera man's in jail."

"Oh," he replied, not making the connection. Then again, how could he? She supposed Bernard had never met Hal. He wasn't exactly the "museum" type, and he hated Metro Man anyway.

"There's a café across the street? Would you like to go grab lunch?" That would at least get him out of her apartment.

"No wallet," he answered.

"My treat."

"Public restaurants aren't _nearly _as sanitary as a proper eating environment should be."

She just gave him an exasperated look. Was he stalling to stay in the apartment longer, or what? "If I make you a sandwich, will you leave?"

"Can I eat the sandwich first?"

"Yes. What do you want on it?"

"Nothing that's been processed beyond recognition or is within two weeks of its expiration date. And the bread needs to be gluten free. Other than that, I'm not picky."

Roxanne just stared at him in amazement. Was he serious?

"Well, get to it," Bernard said, looking at her askance, "You should have everything required. If you don't, then your culinary selection is sorely lacking."

"Bernard?"

"Yes?"

"Go home."

"But you said I could have a sandwich first."

"Unless you want some variation of peanut butter fluff on Wonderbread, you're out of luck. Now go."

"Understood," Bernard said with a sigh, and shuffled out. He was walking a little better now.

Roxanne shut the door behind him, shaking her head a bit. Now time to go find the _real _Megamind.


	3. Chapter 3

Megamind walked down the hall at a fast clip, making his way over to where Bernard was being kept. Minion had just informed him that the poor fellow had gone through the wash, and had been contained for the time being. He checked his dehydrator to be sure it was the right setting. Instead of messing with the spray, the plan was just to dehydrate Bernard, then rehydrate him elsewhere in town. When he got to the cage, though, he found it empty, with the side removed.

"Minion?" he called.

"Yes, sir?"

"Did you let Bernard out earlier?"

"No, why?" the fish said, stepping into view, "He's gone?"

"…Er, okay, well, the exits are all pretty well disguised, so he's gotta be around here somewh- . . . Oh no, did you remember to let the Brainbots out this morning?"

"Of course I did!"

Megamind let out a weak laugh, "Well, the good news is, they've probably been well-entertained today."

Minion responded with a very worried look, "This isn't good."

"Oh, come now. We just need to find him. What's the worst that could have happened?"

A few minutes later, they discovered the Brainbots gleefully playing with Bernard's tattered jacket. After a brief tug-o-war, Megamind managed to wrench it out of the grasp of the eager little robots. He held it at arm's length, looking worried, "What do you think they did with him?"

Minion gulped a little, "I dunno, remember when they got a hold of that stray dog?"

Megamind frowned a bit at that, "I don't know, it seems strange that they would be that aggressive towards him. After all, I managed to get them to quit attacking me every time they saw me in disguise."

Minion only shrugged in response.

"Well, for now, get them gathered up and put back into the containment unit."

* * *

Much later that evening, Megamind was sprawled out on his tattered sofa in his pajamas. He had finished watching Roxanne's nightly news appearance, and was now watching some infomercial nonsense. Hardly intellectually stimulating, but perfect for winding down before bed.

Just then, he heard the musical tones of his cell phone, and his heart skipped a beat. Roxanne! Fumbling with uncharacteristic clumsiness, he answered the phone, "Olo?"

A sigh of relief from the other end, "Great, you've still got his phone. Look, I, uh….I need to talk to you. Mind if I come in?"

"Of course!" Wait, oh no, he was still in his pajamas. He couldn't let her see him like this, not after he had spent so much time carefully cultivating his image, "Uh, give me one second to… uh… get the Brainbots contained. I'll… I'll call you back in a minute, alright?"

"I'm standing outside."

"Yes, but we, uh, we had an in-cy-dent with them earlier today, and I'd rather be on the safe side. It'll be just a minute!" He hung up the phone without waiting for a reply, and rushed into the next room to get changed into something appropriately leather and spiky. …Well, "partition" would probably be a better term to use than room.

Minion noticed the sudden flurry of activity, and walked up, giving him a concerned look. "Sir?"

"Roxanne's here! The Brainbots are still contained in their play yard on the lower level, right?"

"I _believe _so."

"Well, go check!" Megamind replied, frantically trying to put his pants on. He lost his balance and fell over with a yelp.

"Do you, ah, need a hand?"

Megamind was on his feet in a moment, "No, I'm fine, just hurry up and check on the Brainbots! We don't want them to eat anyone else!" He turned and started to frantically dig through his closet, looking for the right cape. No, the Black Cloud was too fancy, he needed something more casual this time. Damnit, where was the Raggedclaw? That wasn't the one that got ruined in the wash, was it?

"Sir," Minion said, "You _could _just use the disguise watch."

"Pfft, I don't have time for that right now! I need to hurry up and finish getting dressed!"

Minion rolled his eyes and left to do as he was told. The Brainbots were still contained, though one of the pink ones was trying very hard to get her grasper on a screwdriver outside the pen. The fish walked over and picked the screwdriver up, looked at it for a moment, then tossed it in the pen for her to play with. Can't have them getting bored!

* * *

After what felt like ages, Roxanne's phone rang. She answered it eagerly, "Hello?"

"Okay, got them contained. You may enter."

She hung up and stepped inside the dim powerstation. Though she'd never admit it out loud, something about this place sent shivers down her spine. It didn't take her long to find Megamind. He was near his "planning wall", looking as diabolical as ever. It still seemed almost impossible that _this _was the same person as the loving, sweet man she'd been dating. The bits of paper and string hanging from the ceiling didn't seem to suggest anything to her, but she supposed she might be looking at them from the wrong angle-literally.

Megamind, meanwhile, gave her a tentative smile, "So, um… you wished to talk?"

"Yes, about the night I dumped you and... well… the Titan battle."

A pained expression flickered across his face, and he started to ramble, "Oh, uh, right. That. Look, I'm sor- I mean, I never meant for the whole 'Bernard' thing to get as far as it did. At first I just did it to get you out of the Metro Man museum before it exploded, but then you found my lair and things kind of snowballed and-"

"Thanks," Roxanne said, cutting him off, "But I didn't come here for an apology."

He blinked at her, "You didn't?"

"Yes, I… finding out that you were.. you, was a _huge_ shock. I mean, you were always just this loser who got beat up by Metro Man. Kind of a joke, really. And then you went and _killed _Metro Man, and you trashed the museum and ruined the city and.. just.. finding out I was dating _you _of all people was a _lot _to take in. I mean, when we were together you were so sweet and wonderful and adorable and it just didn't seem possible when I found out that that wasn't all an act."

"Um… thanks?" Megamind replied, giving her the same sort of look he gave Metro Man when he found out his "weakness" was copper.

She took a deep breath to steady herself, "Anyways, I think that maybe…_maybe,_ I could go out with you again."

"Are… are you sure?"

She nodded, and got a shy smile in return. That timid, cute expression made it so much easier to believe that this was the same vulnerable, sweet man she'd fallen in love with. "I'd like that," he replied, then hesitated, "Um, if you'd prefer, I still have the image-watch-"

"No!" she said, cutting him off abruptly. He flinched. "…Er, I understand if you need a secret identity or something, but _please, _for the sake of my sanity, _don't disguise yourself as Bernard._"

"I… I can look like anyone," he said with a wince, breaking eye contact, "It might be awkward for you to be seen with, well, me."

"Maybe a disguise that looks at least a _little _like you? I'd hate to run into whoever you were disguised as. …Again."

Megamind arched an eyebrow, "Again?"

Roxanne heaved a sigh, "I met the real Bernard earlier today."

"Really," he replied, perking up, "He's not dead?"

That alarmed her, "Why would he be dead?"

"Well, we 'misplaced' him earlier, and searching the lab turned up nothing but the Brainbots shredding his jacket, so we sort of assumed…"

"Oh," she answered, looking around a little nervously, "Er, maybe I should go? You've still got my number, right?"

He nodded, "Oh, don't worry about them. They're all downstairs." No sooner had he said this, than a pink Brainbot went floating past behind him. She couldn't help but stare at it.

"What? What?" he turned to look over his shoulder, "Hey! What are you doing out?"

The Brainbot went to slink off.

"No you don't, young lady. You get back over here!"

It turned and floated up to him, grasper clutched tightly under it. Megamind held out his hand. "Drop it."

"Bowg bowg?"

"Drop it!"

The creation moved in what might have been a sigh, then handed over the screwdriver it had been clutching so possessively, then flew off to sulk. He turned his attention back to Roxanne. "Sorry about that."

"…I should still get going," she said, already starting to back towards the door, "Call me later?"

He gave an enthusiastic nod, "I will! …It may take me some time to reprogram the holowatch, though. I'm not used to making unique images on it."

"I'm sure you'll do a great job," she said, slipping back through the wall and into the night outside.

And with that, Roxanne headed home as Megamind got to work.


End file.
